Elder Scrolls jokes

July 26th, 2020

I don't get most of these jokes. But I thought they were hilarious back in the day.

1. Pelinal: Pelinal Whitestrake walks into Allessian's camp of rebels and asks

"May I help kill the elves?"

Soldiers: The soldiers at camp respond

"Sure?"

Pelinal: Spits upon the ground in disgust and growls

"I do not care for your God-logic."

2. What do Morihaus-Breath-Of-Kyne and Alesia tell their Minotaur children to make them feel special?

"You're one of a Kyne

3. Falmer. no.

Fall, Mer! Yes grammar (Ysgrammor)

4. In order to gain power and immortality, a hagraven must sacrifice their beauty to pay for her sins (Hircine)

5. Who's Hircine?

The real questions is who Is Not?

The answer is Sithis by the way.

6. There is a witch named anise. As in "A Nice Witch"

7. Lichen Lycanthrope

8. Wait, Sanguine, the Daedric Prince of Debauchery, is trespassing in Tamriel! But he's not allowed to do that!

He's just carousing the taverns, he's practically harmless. Just humor him.

Simplified.

Sanguine is trespassing through Nirn!

9. Pelinal Whitestrake. The great warrior in the war between men and elves. Upon slaughtering the armies of the Adamantium Tower, the Sorceror-Kings of the Elves asked, "What will it take to defeat this monster of a man?"

Pelinal Whitestrake heard this, and answered with disdain, "To defeat me? You'd need, Um, a real fighter."

That was when Umaril the feathered, demigod champion of the elves soared down from his roost to strike Pelinal in Single combat, yelling, "Oohm a real fighter!"

10. Some people say the Wood Elves are cannibals because they only eat meat, including dead humans and elves.

The Wood Elves don't think they are cannibals because they don't ever eat any plant matter. In fact, the Wood Elves have never so much have eaten the bark off a tree.

TLDR: So how can Wood Elves be cannibals if they don't eat trees or Wood.

11. The human officer scoffed at the Elf. "What are you and your archers going to do when we have Airplanes?"

The elf took out his bow and shot him in the knee and said, "How is that for arrow pains?"

12. When entering the Capital City of Highrock there are two signs. The first says, Warning: Rockfall for the next ten miles. The second says, Welcome to Daggerfall for the next ten miles.

13. Countries are claimed when you throw an object on the ground.

Hammerfell and Daggerfall.

Countries might be named for the weather and topography.

Morrowind for living in the ashen fallout of an active volcano where they hope that the wind will blow away the ash.

Skyrim for the mountains filling the view upwards as the sky rimmed with mountains.

14. It's a good thing Pelinal Whitestrake shows up to help Alesia's rebels. His ways may have been unorthodox, but they were certainly Nedic. (Needed)

15. The Bosmer take an Argonian in on trial for the unlawful destruction of a Valenwood tree.

The Argonian, didn't see the problem, the Wood elves don't claim to own Valenwood or its trees.

The Bosmer judge sentenced the Argonian to punishment, but the Argonian protested, saying, "But it wasn't Hist Tree."

16. There were two snow elves left after the near extinction of the snow elves. One was a vampire, but the other couldn't tell, because the snow elves were already as pale as can be so he couldn't tell any difference.

17. There are old shows and many of them have reboots. For example, She-ra: Princess of power has a reboot. But I haven't heard much about any reboot of the other old show that went along She-ra.

So I wonder "How does He-Man-age?"

18. Elves and magic go hand in hand. But humans and killing elves go sword in hand.